New Director of IBF

Tuesday--Warshington, DC-- This morning it was revealed that a new unit has been formed, as part of the US Homeland Scrutiny Agency. This reporter was present today at the announcement by the president's oppress secretary, and the introduction of the director of the new agency.

Colonel Jerry Onimo has been named the director of the newly formed IBF, the Intelligent Bureaucratic Foibles of the Untidy States of Chaos.

The White Hose Oppress Secretary said the President was extremely happy with the work his Monday night poker buddies had done coming up with this idea and the plan. It worked so much better than Congress.

"These people stepped up to the challenge," said the President. "They knew we couldn't start the game until we had solved this issue. So we sat down and spent the entire hour drafting this plan, resulting in the IBF and the hire of Colonel Onimo. I am very pleased. Laura is pleased. The twins are pleased."

Colonel Onimo has never served in the military of the Untidy States; however, it is suspected that he was once an undercover agent for the Soggy Arabian Royal Family. The title "Colonel," however, comes from his close ties to Kentucky Fried Chicken mogul, Colonel Sanders, whom Onimo interned for in the 1950's.

"As the new IBF Director, I've come up with a unique and ingenious plan to gather information on each and every citizen of or visitor to the Untidy States," Colonel Onimo said as he addressed the assembled reporter, "then we'll branch out to address everyone else in the world."

"Once briefing of our staff has been completed," he continued, "we will begin foreground checks on everyone, everywhere. Until now, government agencies have been satisfied with background checks--checking into people's past activities--and to that I say pfftthht. "

According to press packs handed out during the introductions, foreground checks will peer into the future of individuals of this planet, to determine what they are apt do some day. The information will be stored in a database, and used to determine which residents of the planet are dangerous subversives. While the colonel was hesitant to say what would happen to these subversives, he was quick to note that they would not be stored at Guantanimo.

"No one will find them," he said, "and no one need be worried about ongoing mistreatment of these people."

When questioned about how this information gathering task would be carried out, the director replied, " I obviously cannot divulge the operational details of our operation or operatives. However, I can say that we will not rule out the use of a Ouiga Board."

For more information on the IBF or Jerry Onimo -- they'll contact you.